Behind closed doors

When I am behind this closed door I often experience so many different and conflicting feelings as a result of living our Fragile Life. This happens more so when I have all three at home for school holidays while Matt is at work, or even sometimes on a weekend.

When I close this door to the outside world I can have such a sense of safety, comfort and relief. 

• Somewhere I feel in control and know things will be predictable.
• A haven where there won't be any comparison or judgement.
• A place where unconditional love overflows and full acceptance resides.
• Sometimes where creativity and motivation can spark and a freedom and a new normal thrives.
• A place where I can breathe out fully and deeply.

But sitting right alongside these are other feelings that aren't so positive.

When I close this door to the outside world, my world can then seem incredibly small and lonely.

• A place where I can often feel trapped, claustrophobic and feel the need to escape.
• Somewhere anxiety and overwhelm floor me.
• Where boredom can linger and repetition outstays its welcome.
• A place full of guilt and failure.
• Somewhere where unpredictability can rise up and catch me off guard.
• A place where breathing out a full and deep breath is hard.

I recently came across this quote (not quite sure who it is from).

'You never know what someone is dealing with behind closed doors. No matter how happy someone looks, how loud their laugh is or how big their smile is, there can always be a level of indescribable hurt. So be kind, even when others are not'.

I think that since we received the diagnosis (our indescribable hurt) for both our boys, it became more apparent through conversations with different people that despite how they looked and appeared on the outside, many were also living with an indescribable hurt of their own.

Let me be clear that I write this blog not as a pity post or a woe is me piece but hopefully to offer a little insight into some of the feelings and emotions that you might not see behind closed doors.