A fragile faith
The roots of my faith
I have always gone to church. My Mum and Dad were both Christians and my Dad was a minister of the church we attended. When I was growing up, I think I thought I would automatically go to heaven purely because my Dad was a minister! :)I believed in God and I believed in Jesus. I was familiar with a lot of the Bible stories. We celebrated Christmas because we believed Jesus was born and we celebrated Easter because we believed Jesus died and rose again. I felt I knew a lot and would love to take part in any competition that our Sunday School would put on to prove my knowledge (I'm not at all competitive...).
At some point I remember asking my Mum and Dad more than once about God and why there was suffering in the world and was quite innocently content with their answer/reasoning. I suppose at this time in my life, suffering existed but seemed very far away and I think I thought we were untouchable because we were Christians.
However, suffering then came closer to home, well actually inside the home by way of a marriage breakdown. Although this was an incredibly painful, distressing and confusing change in our lives, many things for me remained the same; school, Sunday School. youth groups, friends and I still believed in God and Jesus. I think that as huge, shocking and life changing that this marriage breakdown was, it wasn't happening directly to me. Yes, suffering was 100% experienced, there was disappointment, sadness and confusion, but I saw it as a direct betrayal to my Mum, promises to her were broken, her trust was broken, her heart broken. But for me as a young girl my Dad was still... my Dad.
At 18 years old I became a Christian. I went away to a youth Bible Boot Camp (yup, sounds intense doesn't it?) and I think it was my 2nd time going. The main motivation to go was to meet and hang out with other young people but one of the sessions that I attended happened to be all about God's love... coincidence or perhaps a Godincidence some might say? Here is a girl who experienced seeing the love between a husband and wife breakdown. A girl who really tried to people-please, whether that be with friends or boys. Friendship love came and went. Young love came and went but it all seemed temporary, ever-changing, unreliable, exhausting and it was like I wasn't enough. That day, the way they taught or the way I listened, God's love seemed more than I had thought before or more then I had grasped before. It was forever, everlasting, unchanging, reliable. To God, I was loved, I was enough.
18 to 30's: what was my faith like?
I think looking back I'd say that my faith has been generally consistent and simple I suppose. I couldn't understand or empathise why people would appear to have such a strong, positive, passionate relationship with God but then when tough times came they would give up on God. Similarly, why people who would never acknowledge there was a God would then be the first to blame God. However I think I was actually quite complacent in my faith and although I had experienced suffering to varying degrees I still maybe thought I was 'set apart' and suffering would be 'if' instead of 'when' and I remember I would innocently quote Bible verses without knowing their full context and without having full empathy to people's suffering...
When faith becomes fragile
I can't blame my faith becoming fragile completely on when we had the Fragile X diagnosis for the boys. Just before we had Micah, I was getting frustrated by lots of things, mainly things that other Christians were saying and doing rather than a problem with God. I was also starting to ask some big questions and wasn't entirely satisfied with some of the standard answers and verses that I received back. But when Micah started having seizures and was later diagnosed with an intellectual learning disability that definitely made me question things to a whole new level.
What a fragile faith has looked like for me over the last four years
A desperation to find an answer
I'm not a natural reader yet our bookcase is filling up with books with titles including words like aching, shattered, shaken faith, remembering God, unexpected, and suffering. And you have familiar Google search terms like Why does God allow disability? Why does God allow suffering?When Bible verses are not enough
To me, verses in the Bible are enough but what isn't enough is when someone takes these verses out of their context within the Bible and tries to fit them into my context without fully understanding the verse and without fully understanding our circumstance. I think it is almost always done with good and kind intentions but sometimes instead of that person quoting Jesus to me, what I need them to do is for them to simply be like Jesus to me.
Trying to make sense of Bible verses
'For You God created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mothers womb' (Psalm 139: 13)When we had Noah I would never have questioned this verse. I don't think you do if your babies are born healthy and develop typically. But if God created Micah's and Asher's inmost being and if He knit them together in my womb, did He intentionally knit them together with FX or was the FX a mistake?
A life full of big questions
Do I really believe and trust in God? Like, REALLY? Not just saying it and singing it but do I trust Him and thank Him in the good? And in the bad? In the temporary? In the permanent? In the now, and the future?When life was more simple and straightforward I would absolutely have said I believed in God and believed that he was in control. But now life is not so simple and straightforward, do I still believe God? Do I still believe God to be in control when all seems out of control? Do I believe in a plan that God has for me when things really have not gone according to my own plan?
Did God create both of my children with Fragile X Syndrome? If so, why? Why not just one child? Why any of our children? Does God make mistakes?
Why two? We prayed against Asher having FX, Members of our family prayed that Asher would not have FX. Our church prayed that Asher would not have FX. But Asher was then diagnosed with FX. Was it worth praying? Did God hear our prayers?
Can God heal/cure our boys? Do they even need to be healed/cured? Does God really know best? Will there be more suffering to come?
Why Epilepsy? Why non-verbal? The questions are big, the questions are endless...
What does my faith look like at present
So I still have faith. My faith is fragile. But my faith is more genuine than before.
Bible verses that have been a real comfort for me in my fragile faith:
'I believe; help my unbelief' (Mark 9: 24)
'If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it will move;' (Matthew 17: 20)
'The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit' (Psalm 34: 18)
Songs that have and still are a real comfort for me in my fragile faith
For a while, I couldn't listen to any 'Christian' songs. If I got into the car and a playlist started, I would purposefully turn it off and listen to the radio instead. Gradually, over time, I was able to play certain songs again, songs that could meet me where I was at. Not songs that I could necessarily sing out and believe every word of, but songs that were a real comfort.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6oL7x6EvEZqiEjRJipbEcg?si=IRcS0VSrT4-YrNRq0YrqhQ
Valley (Chris McClarney)God I look to you (Bethel Music)
Turn your eyes upon Jesus (Michael W Smith)
Breathe (Jonny Diaz)
Surrounded (Bethel Music)
Another in the fire (Hillsong United)
See me through it (Brandon Heath)?
Hallelujah even there (Lydia Laird)
Yes I will (Vertical worship)
Come to Jesus (Chris Rice)
You already Know (JJ Heller)
New Wine (Hillsong)
Great is thy faithfulness (Shane & Shane)
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