The best and the worst

I'll be honest, we have had a few weeks lately where the worst of Micah's disability has really been on show.

It can come out of nowhere, completely out of the blue, no warning, no build up and no let up. It's tough. 

Frustrated growls as if he's going to burst.
High pitched screams.
Loud shouting.
Hard hits.
Tight grips.
Impulsive kicks.
Rough affection.
Heavy clumsiness.
Unpredictability.

The behaviour is tough for sure but I do know deep down that Micah is not doing any of it with an intention to hurt me or to try and make me sad. What's harder, and if anything the most mentally exhausting thing, is the not knowing (and constant guessing) why his worst has come out. 

Is he tired? Is he poorly? Is he having a bad day? Are there too many changes going on in school or at home? Is it because of an increase in his medication? Is it because its nearly the end of term? So many questions, and yet no answers.

Micah can speak but he doesn't have the understanding to be able to communicate to us what might be going on in that head of his so it is always a big guessing game and one you don't always find the answer too.

People often try to reassure me by saying ' You know it's because you're his safe place, he feels at his safest when he is with you and so he can let out all of these feelings and emotions'. 

Do I get that? Yup.
Does it make it any easier? Nope.

A few things help me when Micah's worst comes out...

Self care:

Getting Matt (Micah's Dad) to take over when it all starts to get too much
Getting out for fresh air - I have never appreciated the fresh air as much as in these last few years.
Going into another room and having space and seeking out quietness
Having a cry

My Motto:

I tell myself to remember to take it one day at a time, trying not to think about tomorrow. Just one day.

Bible verses:

Whenever I spoke with my Gran on the phone, she would often share different Bible verses with me, and my mum still speaks them to me now, one of which is:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Remembering:

Even though there are times when I get the worst of Micah, a lot of the time I get the very best of him too.

;

The very best of Micah is...

Rubbing my back with tenderness
Him saying  'I've got you' when I am poorly or hurt
Telling me he loves me (Occasionally!)
Asking me to come and lie down with him
Always coming to lie down with me in the morning
Letting me share his pillow or blanket
Gently giving me a kiss 
Being enthusiastic about something I'm wearing
Being excited to see me
Giving me a solid high five
Beautiful manners and appreciation of things I've done